A Hoofful of Bits
by Kyletra
Summary: Sheriff Silver Star deals with some crime in Appleloosa. Rated Teen for Excessive Produce Violence.
1. A Hoofful of Bits

AAAAaaaaaAAAAAaaah Waawaawaaaaa

"Will you quit that racket! It's four in the morning!"

"But Sheriff, you know we've gotta get in all the practice we can get. The choir-"

"The choir can handle waiting until the sun is up! Get home and rest your voices if it's that important!"

Sheriff Silver Star watched the Appleloosan Young Ungulates Performers, or A-YUP for short, head on home. _Bless those colts and young buffalo, but a body doesn't need to be woken up with that hawk screech they call singing. Still, Justice never sleeps, so I'm rested enough. Let's see about some breakfast. _

Lighting a candle, the Sheriff checked the armory a.k.a the kitchen. Several barrels of apples lined the wall, with bags of floor, some eggs, and other pie ingredients at the ready should he need to reload. He had set out some pies to cool last night, and one would make a mighty fine meal. Or would have, if not for the fact all that remained was a few empty pie tins and a load of crumbs.

Silver Star nickered in professional rage. _Some foal stole from the wrong lawpony! When I get my hooves on them... wait.. there's a note attached to this half eaten slice. Well, soon to be completely eaten, waste not..._ Munching his meager meal, Star looked it over. The paper was greasy, and the ink smudged from the filling but it was still legible.

"Dear Sheriff Silver Star, If you know what's best... I need some milk... for you, get outta town. No pony is going to keep us from what we want, and we want all the apples from the orchard. But if you want to be ran out instead, we'd be happy to oblige. We own this town now. Signed, Buck Cassidy and the Sundance Colt!"

The Sheriff turned to the Wanted! Wall where all the posters of the criminals out in the Mild West. There they were, the two most wanted ponies, each with a bounty of Five Thousand Bits. They were a pair of young Unicorns, who robbed storehouses and trains for the feed and would hold the food ransom for money.

"No way I've ever leaving this town behind!"

Suddenly, an orange splattered on the images of the two. A voice yelled from outside the Sheriff's office.

"I hope you're educated Sheriff, because I'd hate to have to read it for you what the note said. Now, what's your answer? The bosses don't like waiting long..."

A trio of unicorns stood outside. _Must be some of their posse. Well, let's just see how they like Appleloosan Law!_ Grabbing some apples, the Sheriff kicked open the door, jumping out and to the side to dodge the thrown produce. Quick as lightning, Silver Star bucked three apples. One impaled itself onto the horn of the talkative one, bowling him over and knocking him senseless.

The other two hesitated as he took the fourth and final one, shining it on his vest before almost putting it to his lips. They chuckled, thinking he was just enjoying a last bite before the citrus counterattack. The Lawpony just smirked.

"Hey, is that a pegasus in a showfilly outfit flying overhead?"

Looking up, the other two apples finally fell from the high shot he'd given them, hitting the two gawking ponies right between the eyes. The Sheriff took a bit of the apple.

"As tasty as the apples I give the prisoners are, I bet you boys will be wanting the sweet taste of freedom. Shoulda lived the straight and narrow."

Hefting the dead weights, he tossed them in a cell once he put the anti-magic restraints on their horns. Taking a map out of his desk, Silver Star looked over the known caves and hide-aways near town. Then a thought struck him. He grabbed a bottle of Granny Smith's Scumble, a gift from Breaburn. Pouring a glass, he sat waiting in front of the unicorns until they stirred.

He sipped the clear liquor, letting them watch his throat bulge with each swallow. They watched in silence, just licking their lips, mouths suddenly feeling very dry. The Sheriff drained the glass, to moans of agony. They gave a sigh of relief when he pulled out the bottle to refill. He gave a look of mock surprise. He held the glass just out of reach of their lips.

"You boys want a swaller? It's mighty high proof. I wouldn't think a lot of colts like you could handle it."

They kissed at the cup, trying to suck away a few drops. He set it down out of reach.

"Tell you what, you boys can have a drink once you tell me where those two yella bellied spineless extortionists you call Boss are."

One yelled before the other could silence him.

"They're at the Salt Lick Saloon, staying in room 2b! Now gimme that bottle!"

The Sheriff snorted and set a bucket of water down in front of the cell.

"Prisoners get water and raw apples in my cells. I said you could have a drink, not you could get drunk. There's your liquid refreshment."

Silver Star resupplied himself and stepped out into the street. Life was going on normally, o so it would seem. But everypony who saw the Sheriff gave an unusually formal good mornings. _Heh, well, nice to see they can respect a stallion of Order out about his duty._

Stepping into the Salt Lick, a mareiachi band played a jaunty tune, though the looks on the musicians themselves were anything but merry. They gave a pained look at the Sheriff, nodding meaningly at a table in the corner. A poker game was going on, and the two unicorn players were deep in concentration. A third tickled one, and broke his focus.

The next instant, the iron of the poker was wrapped around his horn. Slamming his hooves down, he glared at the duo.

"Cheaters! I ain't givin' you mah bit-"

A flurry of cherries pelted the loser, and he collapsed in a pulpy heap. The duo high-hooved and began to split the coins. One looked at the surrounding patrons.

"What are you lot lookin' at?"

At that point everypony became very interested in their drinks. They chuckled to themselves until an apple scattered the ill gotten funds. One stood upright in a furry, the grey and blue maned unicorn known as Buck Cassidy.

"Who's the soon to be dead pony?"

Another apple whizzed just past his horn.

"The only thing here dead is your hopes for causing a disturbance in my Appleloosa!"

The pair of unicorns stared open jawed at the sole law enforcer of the settler town. The grit their teeth.

"So, you want to do this the hard way, do you Lawpony? Fine by us. But let's do it like gentlecolts. High Noon, right in the middle of town so everypony can see us beat you to a pulp, with pulp."

"We'll see. And you better wipe your horn. Apple juice is mighty sticky once it dries."

The unicorn snorted and grabbed a napkin. Silver Star chuckled darkly and left. It was an hour until noon, and he had a plan. _I'm gonna make an example out of those two, so no thieving scum ever comes around these parts again._

We can win, we can win...

"What the hay do you boys think you're doing! There's going to be a buck-out between the Sheriff and those two hooligans any minute now!"

"But Meemaw, we need the practice..."

"No buts! I took a paddle to your Pappy's backside when he back-talked, and by Celestia's grace, I'll do the same to you if the next words out of your mouth aren't "Yes ma'am"! And tell your friends to come help me with cleaning if you're all so eager to spend the afternoon together!"

"Yes ma'am... come on guys..."

The unicorns had their ammunition hovering at their sides as they stepped into the dry, dusty street that went straight through the middle of town. They walked in unison until they came upon the sleeping form of the Sheriff, leaning against the side of the general store. A bit of cherry juice splashing onto his cheek woke him up. He nodded sleepily at the pair.

"Oh, hello there boys. Didn't expect you to be stupid enough to do it."

They looked at the moustachioed stallion like he was sipping the scumble still.

"The hay you talking about you old coot?"

"To fall for this trap."

Kicking a plank away, an entire section of the wall fell out, and an avalanche of apples buried the two outlaws. The had time for one quick yell before they were drowned out. The sheriff took off his hat and bowed his head. The shop owner stepped outside coughing.

"Sheriff, they're still alive, I can hear them mumbling under there."

"I'm paying my respects to your wall, as it served Justice well. Now help me get them out and into the cells."

AAAAAaaaAAAAaaaah waawaaOW!

"I told you I'd take the paddle to you!"

…

Just finished watching the entire Dollars trilogy. Forgive this bit of silly Western fun.

Kyle


	2. Ghost of a Chance

In a ruined mission, not far from Appleloosa, a pegasus of light purple with a rich emerald mane sat at the head of a banquet table, a hooded figure at his side. A group of pegasi of various colors and builds entered, and the stallion stood up. His cutie mark was a ripped piece of parchment, and his name was Broken Vows, but to hide this he more commonly went by Brovo. He described himself as shifter of wealth, but a certain lawpony would just call him thief, liar, and in need of some serious dental hygiene lessons.

"Ah, it looks like you made it, _mi amigos. ¡Buen apetito! _I have many treats for us tonight. The Mare in the Moon, she wishes she could eat this well, eh? My friend, he's not an expert chef, but it is still good. Ah, forgive me. Let me have a bite or two first. Not that I need to. Poison? He who uses poison is... _hijo de puta,_ and many more things I would not dare say.

Now, as you know, tonight the festival will be in full swing. Buffalo and ponies celebrating and eating and oh, I already said you know. Well, in all the fun and games, who will notice a few ghosts flying about. The townsfolk, they'd just think it was all an act. The _n__iños _will point and laugh. Who would think twice about some pegasi grouping up and putting on such a show?

They certainly won't have their minds on their houses, empty and full of valuables. Ripe for the picking. So we dress up, loose fitting sheets to hide our bodies and a good flour dusting to hide out wing colors. We'll have three of us visible at any given time, while the rest grab whatever they can carry. Our friend here will be waiting for you just outside of town with a covered wagon. Give him the loot, and once we're all gathered... _Adios_ Appleloosa."

Several of the pegasi gave appreciative grunts to this face. It was a simple plan, but that didn't take away from the genius of it at all. Too often a good plan was ruined by depending on too many factors. They were handed the outfits by the cloaked assistant and they dusted their wings.

An electric thrill shot through Brovo as the "ghosts" took off. He grinned to his companion as they walked outside to the cart. He helped hitch the figure up, grinning wildly.

"There are two kinds of pony in this world, my friend. Those who obey the law, and those Sheriff Silver Star haven't found yet. Even tonight, on Nightmare Night, when everypony is running around in costumes, you'd have to be some foal dare to break the law in his town. But, _mi madre_ use to say something that holds true even today.

Greed makes you stupid, but wealth can make a fool's word worth more than a scholar's lecture. They're a greedy bunch, and they think we're fools for sharing this with them. But in the end, it's us who'll be smarter than them, eh _mi amigo?_"

…

Meanwhile, in the Mild West town, Little Strong Heart and Braeburn were running their own apple bobbing station, and the tradition of Nightmare Night seemed to greatly confuse the buffalo.

"So, you give offering of sugary sweets to the Spirit of the Night?"

"Well, something like that. It's largely an excuse to make sure the little ones don't eat too much candy in one night. The costumes are just plan fun, but we tell them it's so Nightmare Moon doesn't know any of us are ponies to eat. So, maybe you might not be so safe."

The two grinned at each other. The buffalo was dressed as an Appleloosan stallion, vest, hat and all. Braeburn, however, was in the traditional clothing for a buffalo bride. Chief Thunderhooves had raised a bit of a ruckus about the request.

_"For someone to wear the clothing and not be wed that day? Tradition say-"_

_ He was silenced by a slice of pie being shoved in his mouth. And that was the end of that._

The pair stood around, boredom slowly taking its toll. There was a slight relief as Sheriff Silver Star walked up to greet them.

"Hey there Sheriff. Care to take a turn at bobbing? You look mighty worn tonight, the water and food will do you good."

The lawpony nodded and took several turns before he was sated. Water dripped from his mustache and made it droop, but the refreshing wash brightened his spirits.

"I just took a big of a long stroll. Gotta keep a sharp eye out tonight, who knows what mischief somepony will bring up. Those little pranks can turn into a right mess if they've been enjoying the cider a little too much."

Braeburn nodded, knowing from past celebrations he'd been to it wasn't too much to turn a simple scare, to a reflexive hoof to the jaw, to a full bar brawl. Morton, the Salt Lick's owner, always made sure to keep a few extra bodies around to help stop a problem before it started on celebration nights.

"Well, it's been quiet down this way Sheriff. This being Appleloosa's first Nightmare Night, it just seems like everybody is enjoying the novelty."

Little Strong heart gasped and pointed up to the sky.

"Oh, spirits have come! Are they heralds for the Mare of Night?"

The two stallions watched, bemused grins on their faces as one swooped down and stole an apple from the tub. The Sheriff shook his head, smiling more to himself than the buffalo.

"Naw, spirits don't eat. They're just putting on a show. Listen, you can hear the little tykes scream every time one of them dives. Well, I can see everything is going according to plan. You report to me if anything gets out of hand. Tonight is going to stay nice and peaceful if I have anything to say about it."

And with that, the Sheriff walked off, leaving the two to watch the flitting figures in the sky.

…

It was around midnight when the final "ghost" arrived at the cart. Tearing off the costume, he had saddlebags full of jewelry, money and... half an apple. Brovo looked at it with a smirk.

"Ah, I see you got a bit hungry _hombre_. Well, I'm glad you got something sweet. Because I think _mi amigo_ here has something to say to you that would have made it rather sour."

The cloak was tossed in the pegasus' face, and he was tackled to the ground and hogtied. He struggled, cursing their treachery until the cloth was removed from his face. A shining badge told the outlaw who he was looking at without the need for an introduction.

"Sheriff Silver Star!"

The struggling stallion was tossed into the wagon with all his cohorts, similarly bound and gagged to prevent them from warning the others when their turns had come. Brovo winked at the Sheriff, who was bagging the spoils to return them to their owners later that evening. The pegasus snatched away the half eaten apple, taking a bite himself.

"You see? There are two kinds of pony in the world, my friend. Those who are smart enough to work with the law, and those stupid enough to think they're outside it!"

The Sheriff chuckled, tossing the pegasus his Deputy badge.

"Yeah, well your community service has just begun. You were stupid yourself, once."

Broken Vows swallowed the last bit of the apple, tossing the core into the cart. A groan of protest sounded from the prisoners.

"_Si_, but I never said it wasn't possible for you to become the other kind, did I?"

…

I kinda... sorta... maybe... watched some scenes from the Dollars trilogy again...

Kyle


End file.
